richard, james, robert, edward

I feel as though I've grown alot in the small amount of time that has passed since I have written in this journal last. I usually look back on previous writings with some level of regret and disdain. It is as if I am a different person, which in a sense I am, and in a sense I am not. I feel as though I am beginning to gain some small amount of understanding considering nature, god, and the universe. I think that somewhere in the back of my mind I feel that I'll reach a stopping point. The peak of the mountain where I can look down on all of the places I was before. I think there also exists some sort of idealization in my mind that all people as they mature reach some level of enlightenment and wisdom and maturity, however several examples occuring in my mind now disprove that false belief. First, lets take people like bob. or like miley. Before I make any statement about them, I have to realize that I only know these people on a very superficial level, and alot of the judgements I make based are on fragments of interaction, and intuitions based on facial expressions, tone, and the general feel of a situation. Talking to bob is sort of similar to interacting with a machine, and not a very complex one. But of course no one can be that uninteresting. everything he says manifests itself in the form of a popular figure of speech such as "have a good one," "on the road again huh" "take it easy" or some other such statement. What is unpleasant about these interactions? Is it that it's fake? What's beneath it? Bad self esteem? Neither of these two gentlemen seem to have a large supply of it. Which brings to mind a short anecdote involving miley. Robert Miley always comes into the resturant, orders a glass of wine, chicken marsala, etc. He can remind me of a child sometimes. He was always nice to me until a certain instance one day. He asked for his "paper to sign" and then I asked him "did you give me your credit card?" Upon further reflection, this initial reaction seems utterly and passively patronizing and condescending, although I don't believe that was my intent at the moment. Sometimes when I get scatterbrained, I honestly can not remember if someone gave me their card or not. I saw the way he reacted to my question, extremely flustered and embarrassed. I reacted to his reaction, believing perhaps unnecessarily that I was an ass. At any rate, he is an older fellow, and I hope that by the time I get to his age, I am evolved beyond being sucked into stupid little pride games that people play with each other. I also remember him being sort of impatient about his check, and that may have had something to do with the way I reacted, like I was intelligently and automatically reprimanding him for not being patient, but this is not the correct way to modify behaviour, even if it does feel like the right thing to do. That must be all for now.